A product review

So, my longtime readers (both of them) know that periodically I post a product review.  These reviews are not sponsored by anybody (basically because I can’t get anybody to bribe me to say good shit about their product.)  I felt that I should take a few seconds, though, and let you know my opinion on a product.  Be advised, I am doing a specific review.  This review covers Army field use only.  I don’t know If this works in the real world, and I don’t give a rat’s ass.  This is about my experience with the product during my last mission.

The product in question is “Purex complete 3 in 1.”  These suckers are pretty handy.  What they are is a 3 in 1 laundry product.  It's a small sheet of fabric (about 6 x 8 inches) that has been treated with detergent and other laundry chemical shit.  You toss the thing in the washer, transfer it to the dryer, and you are done.  No fucking around with detergent liquids or powders or anything like that.  This is an awesome idea for anybody that either has to carry all their shit on their back, or has their bags handled by a squad of mountain gorillas.

For anybody not in the know, when you move out for a military mission, you damn well better bring laundry shit with you.  The law of military life says that the only PX you have access to will be out of everything but Aqua Velva, disposable Bic razors, and toothpaste that expired during the Carter administration.  You can’t carry two weeks worth of laundry on your back no matter how hard you try, so bring your soap.

The thing to remember is that Army trucks are usually loaded by a couple of privates that are pissed off because they didn’t get out of sight quickly enough when a sergeant was looking for workers.  Seven Mongolian mountain yeti armed with mallets, pitchforks, and hearts full of hatred can’t do as much damage as two disgruntled army privates.   If you have a bottle of liquid in your bag when you start, you fucking sure don’t when you get there.  Once somebody who had a couple bottles of gourmet hippy water in his bag gets the same treatment you did, the resulting mixture of water and Tide make the entire truck look like it has rabies.   It’s even more insidious if you use powdered soap.  The bag will rip open and all your clothes will fill with soap powder.  If you don’t get busted for suspicion of smuggling smack in your undies, you break out like a leper because concentrated laundry soap is more caustic than lye.

Welcome to the Army.  1460 and a wakeup.

So let’s talk about Purex complete 3 in 1.  Right from jump street, these damn things are convenient.  They are small and lightweight and easy to carry.  They don’t leak or break.  Good to go.  The next question is, “how well do they work?”  How the fuck would I know?  Army washing machines are so battered and overused that it is not uncommon for them to burst into flames.  Not the dryers… The washers.  If Archangel Gabriel made magical laundry detergent, it would be basically worthless in an Army washer.  Everyone thinks that we wear camouflage to blend into the woods.   DUH.  We are fighting in the desert.  We wear cammo pattern so you can’t see the dirt in the uniform.  They issue brown underwear for the same reason… more on that later.

The first part of Purex 3 in 1 is “detergent.”  Purex works just as well as any other laundry soap in an Army washing machine.  End of story.  I guess that this would be the time to bring up the issue of brown issue underwear.  There are things in the Army called MRE’s.  Meals Ready to Eat.  3 lies for the price of one.  Efficiency at its best.  MRE’s have the same effect on your digestive tract that swallowing a live badger and washing it down with a vinegar and baking soda cocktail would.  While rarely fatal, the results are unpleasant at best.  Now, lets talk about HMMWVs (Hum-vees or hummers.)  Riding in an Army truck is sort of like sitting on an unbalanced washing machine that is bolted to a tilt-a-whirl.  There is a good bit of vibration involved.  When combined with MRE’s, the tightie-whities take a serious ass kicking.  There is a simple mathematical equation.

MRE + hummer transportation + Army Washer + Purex 3 in 1 = Terry Labonte quality skid marks.

The second part of 3 in 1 addresses scent.  Does Purex 3 in 1 make your clothes smell laundry fresh?  Who the fuck cares?  The average Soldier is pouring sweat out of  every bodily orifice within 10 minutes of putting the damn uniform on anyway.  What do the clothes smell like?  They smell like raw ass.  I guess there is one thing about laundry detergent smell that needs to be addressed.  Some laundry detergents have a lot of phosphates and such in them.  You can’t smell phosphates.  You know what else uses heavy phosphates in it?  A fucking bomb.  You know what can smell phosphates?  A fucking bomb dog.  You have not lived until you have a Military Working Dog go "ears deep" into your groin thinking that you have an IED in your junk drawer.  You know the distance from the tip of a German Sheppard’s nose to his ears?  I don’t either.  But having a dog go “ears deep” into your ballsack to check out that phosphate residue is not on my “to do” list.

The third advertized function of Purex 3 in 1 is its anti-static abilities.  I must give this feature two enthusiastic thumbs up.  Army socks are special.  I think that the sheep the wool came from were killed by lightning strikes.  For some reason running seven pairs of Army socks through a dryer produces a basket ball sized gob of black wool that holds a static charge equivalent of the Ark of the Covenant.  I am a Military Police officer.  They periodically like to hit me with a tazer.  I am qualified to tell you that a wool sock ball will

Light

You

The fuck

Up.

Peeling off the socks too quickly can degauss a hard drive at 10 feet.  Purex lays the smack down on static build up.  This is clearly an important feature to a Soldier.

To recap the product review:

 

 Purex 3 in 1

Pros:

Does not suck as a detergent
Prevents lethal static charges in socks
Resists handling damage from high level primates
Is not likely to get you de-boned by an attack trained military dog.

Cons:

Skid marks from hell

Over all I would strongly recommend this as the right product for field use.  The 20 pack is available at Wally World for a reasonable price.  I don’t remember what it costs, because I was buying a few containers of beer to celebrate my inevitable victorious return, and the purchase price got absorbed in that transaction.  I dub the cost insignificant in the larger scheme of things and therefore irrelevant.

Peace