Well, I guess it's about time to release my new invention. Fall is upon us, and as the seasons shift, we in Western NC brace ourselves for the onslaught of one of the nastiest seasons of the year. Asshole From Florida Who Wants to Stare At Some Leaves Season. For brevity's sake, we will from now on refer to these pimples-on-societies'-ass as "leaf lookers." The tourist board gets all bent out of shape when we call them what they are.
Orders for my earlier inventions were pretty good, with the "STFU gun" doing very well. My Dr. Sneaky's Dirty Drawers bomb has lagged a bit, but I can understand moral compunctions against bio-warfare. Besides, who the hell has DRC anymore? How last year is that?
I'm still tweaking my newest invention. I want to get it out to the stores in time to deal with this year's invasion. I will be marketing this invention exclusively through Barnes & Noble book stores. I got connections there. Since I will be going legit with this one, I'm going to have to work on the name a bit. I have been told that B&N won't aggressively market something called "Make Granny Shit Herself." Buncha punks.
So anyway, I have always heard that you have to define the problem before you can solve it. For those of you who live in this area, you already know the problem. For those of you that live elsewhere and don't have this particular blight, allow me to explain.
Every year, the leaves change colors. You get that, right? But in the mountains the fuckers do it with style. On a good year, the hills as far as you can see seem to be on fire with brilliant colors of leaves that defy conventional description. You simple must see this sight to believe it. But, please, go to Vermont to see it. You come here, you stand a good chance of becoming a "Leaf Looker", and I will have to pull you out of your car and beat you with a can of Spam in a tube sock.
The problem is that thousands of "Leaf Lookers" swam all over us and clog the roads. Not "huh, there are too many cars today" clog, but "dead stop in the middle of the road around a blind curve" clog. You come cruising around the corner on the four lane road at sixty miles an hour just to find that Grandpa locked up the brakes on the Winnebago and blocked 3 lanes because he was enraptured with the natural beauty of the mountains. He has done this 43 times in the last 3 miles, and will continue to block traffic every 60 feet until sundown. This is highly demoralizing to those of us that actually have to get to work, and resent dying because somebody though the fucking hills "look just like a postcard!"
Not all the "Leaf Lookers" are retirees in absurdly large vehicles. A sizable percentage, yes, but not all. Let me give you the basic break down of the personalities involved.
1. Retirees in oversized vehicles. We discussed this one already.
2. Yuppies and assorted Florida Scumbags that use this "Educational Vacation" as a tax write off and excuse to come close down their "summer homes."
3. The bored, over-indulged offspring of 2. They barely notice the leaves as they have their greedy little noses glued to their personal DVD players.
4. Rednecks. These guys are no real problem. They go home and look off their decks at the leaves. Roads are to drive really fast on, and to spotlight the occasional deer on. Not for gawking at leaves. They fly their confederate flags in these hills for a reason, by god, and hippies, liberals and faggots be damned. Go home yankee.
5. Dirty Hippies. Not a big deal, the hippies usually live here. They are so used to driving stoned that they hills being awash with burning colors is pretty normal to them. I have just included them, because invention a gun and not shooting hippies with it is a Mortal Sin.
Ok. Now that the problem has been defined, allow me to introduce the solution. It's Dr. Sneakys….. Well, hell, I don't know what to call it. It can't be too offensive or Barnes & Noble won't display it on the back counter shelf, next to the light saber.
What it does…
The Dr. Sneaky's [fill in the blank] is an amazing device for dealing with the scourge that is "Leaf Lookers." True, it will make this year suck, what with all the chaos, but it should be like a ghost town around here from now on. The […] has a varying effect, depending on which group it hits. It targets each type group and deals with them according to type.
1. Old men. When the particle beam hits old men, it causes trace amounts of Viagra (I only tried it once because I was curious) to flare to six times the normal effect.
2. Old women. It instills cramps similar to PMS. When Grandpa pops Jurassic Boner while Grandma gets her first Midol Jones in thirty years, you can bet there is going to be some trouble up in the cab of that Fifth Wheel Ford.
3. Yuppie males. They will hear a winey, snively sounding voice that says "you know… I'm sure that the IRS audit next year will not allow this deduction…"
4. Yuppie females. They will hear a voice in their heads that says "This is God. He's fucking his secretary. You know that, right?" This should make things in the front seats of the mini-van lively.
5. Snotty little yuppie larva. They will all hear a booming voice saying "Sponge Bob is DEAD!" That should take care of the back seat. Oh, the fun if all of these individuals are in the same camper at the same time!
6. Redneaks. The beam will stimulate the moonshine and Jack Daniels that is still attacking their livers and send it back into the blood stream, making them more aggressive. The brush guards on their huge Dodge Rams should take care of any smaller cars that stopped in the middle of the road so that Grandma and Grandpa can duke it out.
7. Hippies. The beam will clean them. It will remove every molecule of dirt from them and their clothes, un-mat their hair, and purge their bodies of all traces of drugs. Instantly. Most will not survive the shock.
There you go. I just need a name for it, and I'm a Rich Rodent. Help me out with the marketing folks!
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