Best toy evah!

Fuckin' ROOFIES!  The Chinese put roofies in kids toys!  HA!  They can explain away the lead base paint.  Hell, lead base paint is a reality in almost every country in the world except the US.  The amount of toys that a kid would have to consume before the minute traces of lead would build up enough to harm them is pretty ridiculous anyway.  Most of the toys had only trace elements in them anyway.  They weren't really harmful, just above legal limits.  But freaking roofies?  I'm loving it.  Especially since all these yuppie scumbag "better parenting" assholes had selected these gay-ass "Aqua Dots" as a "must have" toy for Christmas!  HA!  Hell yeah, Aqua Dots will keep the little fuckers tranquil during the holidays so parents can enjoy themselves.  My dad had to waste Jack Daniels on us to get that effect.  Now, this is what I call parenting progress

What the fuck do people expect?  We import all our toys from a country whose idea of safety standards is making sure the safety is clicked on before they store a loaded pistol inside the baby crib.  Rat feces in flour, benzene in pet food, lead paint on toys, roofies in toys.  How the fuck can you even pretend to be surprised?  The Chinese government recently caved in due to international whiney groups and stopped harvesting transplant organs from the political prisoners they murder.  The whiney groups celebrated a major moral victory.  Now when the dissidents are murdered, they are burned before the organs can be harvested!  Whoopie!  Way to go Amnesty International!  This government is the same one our sheeple parents are expecting  to govern the safety of toys they buy.  DUH!

No, no people.  None of that allowing the major corporations to simply move their factories from China to Burma, or Thailand, or Malaysia.  Is this supposed to be safer?  Fuck no.  The only people who meet American Manufacturing standards are Americans (sometimes.)  You assholes in your demand for cheap flashy toys for your over privileged and spoiled offspring have created a situation where we are importing drugs and poisons for Christmas.  This isn't one of those situations from the 80s, where one of the voices on the talking doll said "kill mommie", this is fucking date rape drugs in the toys.

The solution?  Buy fucking American!

Was that so hard?  Buy less cheap shit for your whiney little brats.  A rolled up newspaper can quiet any outcries damn quickly.  Hell, you could easily lower their expectations and be able to provide some better built stuff that will last more than two days.  Where is it written that a child must receive 38 toys for Christmas or be underprivileged?  Want to get your little porch monkey something educational?  Beat his/her ass with the afore mentioned rolled up newspaper when they cry about only getting six toys.  That's education.  Establish a new order where cheap, imported toys are not the temporary joy of the week.  Buy fucking board games and play with your kids or something.   

"Well, Sneaky, we have got to get something for our kids for Christmas…"  You're right!  So I offer this solution…

New!  For the Christmas season!  Replacing all those dangerous imported toys, it's Dr. Sneaky's Stick! ^-- That's right!   Stick! ^-- No more wondering what toys are safe or not safe!  No more fear!  Dr. Sneaky takes all the worry out of Christmas shopping.  Stick! ^-- is non-toxic and 100% organic.  You don't have to worry about lead based paint, because we don't put any paint on the fuckers!  How safe is that?  These toys are home grown; they fall off the trees in my front yard!  Unlike some of those imported toys that are made by child labor, I don't have kids so I have to rake my own fucking yard.  These toys are 100% made by American Adult Labor.  Since those flashy papers and ribbons are also imported from some third world country (prolly made by all those kids that got fired from Cathy Lee's sweat shops when international outcries caused them all to get the boot,) Dr. Sneaky won't use them.  No sir, Stick! ^-- comes wrapped in good old fashioned 100% American newspaper!  As an added bonus, if your ungrateful punk of an offspring somehow feels slighted when he or she unwraps their present, you have a newspaper to roll up to beat them back into line.  Two gifts for the price of one!

As with all my inventions, I will be marketing it exclusively through Barnes & Noble book stores.  I got an "in" there.  So haul your butts to B&N today, and say "hey!  I want Stick! ^--