Voting with your colon, or a cheesy bag of poo.

I did not get a chance to blog any at Atterbury, since the connectivity issues were so extreme, but there was one incident that I think bears repeating.  In honor of the Unknown Joe that performed this mighty deed, I wrote the following award in hopes I can someday turn it in when the hero is identified.  Those of you with no military connection may not get this, but I will provide an Army-civilian translation after the award citation.

To Soldier John Doe for heroically completing his mission despite numerous hardships and demonstrating his dedication and valor before the senior leadership of the battalion.  Soldier Doe used his situational awareness to determine that the below freezing temperature constituted a hazard to personnel, and demonstrated ingenuity and creativity in accomplishing his handling of hazardous materials using field expedient containment procedures.  His skillful handling of the hazard reflects the highest traditions of the military and is a credit upon himself and his unit.

 In English:

The Command Sergeant Major (The highest enlisted rank there is.  This man is at the absolute top of his profession.   He may be a National Guardsman temporarily activated, but he has the same pay grade as the Command Sergeant Major of the Army.  This dude is no small time NCO pulling night watch at the motor pool.) and the Battalion Commander were walking through the parking lot one freezing-ass cold morning.  The CSM noticed a flash of sliver from an object leaning against a port-a-pottie, reflecting the security light.  It was about 5:30 in the morning.  He went over and picked up a Cheetos bag.  As he picked it up, he noticed that it had something in it.  He opened the bag to gaze on it’s contents, and called the BC over to look also.  They both stood there, in the freezing pre-dawn, in the greenish light of a sodium vapor security light staring in wonder at the contents of the Cheetos bag.

Some Joe took a shit in a Cheetos bag and set it against the port-a-crapper.

Now, this would be much less amusing except for a few factors.

a.       The bag in question was a single serving size.  The Joe in question had to very careful to avoid getting some on him.  Our soap and water facilities were limited to the showers at least a hundred yards from the barracks trailers, and I don’t care how much Purell you use, if you shit on your hands, you will have shit on your hands.

b.      There were standing orders that if you threw trash into the blue water, you were going swimming in the blue water to get it out.  Solution, don’t throw the bag in the water.

c.       Getting the two most important men in the Battalion to start at your turd before breakfast.

I know that I will never get to knowingly shake hands with this unsung hero, and I’m pretty much ok with that.  NOBODY is that stable taking a Clinton at 3 o’clock in the morning, and they probably have poo on their hands.