Dirty rats and Ben & Jerry’s

We actually have Ben & Jerry’s ice cream in the dining facility.  The freezer said Ben & Jerry’s, but I figured it would actually be Ben & Achmed’s knock off ice cream.  Nope.  There is a licensed franchise in Israel, and we get the good shit.  Kosher B&J!  Step off.  Dude can’t make a steak softer than WWII boot leather, but we get the Ferrari of ice cream.  Go figure.  The food is actually pretty damn good, although they have fruits I can’t identify.  Also, remember the 2 degrees off I keep going on about?  They have Coke Light.  Not Diet Coke.  No.  Coke Light. It contains a blend of artificial sweeteners that have been banned in the Western Hemisphere because they have been known to cause lab rat’s heads to occasionally explode.   You can’t even get this shit in the slums of Mexico, because it’s bad for you.

 

Oh Yeah!

Well.  It’s that time of year again.  Screw Christmas.  The Grinch was a sissy quitter.  He should have pawned all that crap he stole and hit Jamaica for the New Year.  My usual approach to a Christmas tree is with a flame thrower.  So, of course, my little yellow belt had to mail me a frigging Christmas tree.  DAMMIT!  I can’t go screw up the holiday for an 11 year old girl, so I could not just toss the box in the dumpster, like I normally would.  Besides, there might have been cookies inside.  No, I had to open the damn thing, set it up, decorate it, and take pictures to send back to her.  THEN I threw the damn thing in the dumpster.  And NO cookies.  To top it off, this little girl actually mailed me a real frigging tree!  (She gets extra points for getting a damn tree past customs and immigration.  She could have ended up a wanted felon in Egypt, but she got away with it.  Egypt does not allow the importation of live trees.)  ##### ########, International Master Criminal!  The down side of her ingenuity is that I had to sweep pine needles up from all over the damn place.

I did get some levity out of the situation.  There is some godless Christmas crap out there, but Elf on the Shelf is a new high in lows.  If you are not hip to this piece of Christmas crap, here’s how it works.  It is a little elf, designed to sit on a flat surface and dangle its little legs over the edge. (**BARF**)  The book that comes with it explains that it places itself in a room to witness the behavior of children and let Santa know who is being naughty.  Every night, it moves, and the children can be delighted in its choice of sitting spot the next day.  You know what we used to call somebody who did that in my old neighborhood?  A fucking snitch!  You want to hang out all day and watch me so you can drop a dime to the man?  I got something for you.  That thing appeared in the TOC, and it wasn’t here for more than 3 minutes before the Captain from Brooklyn strung the little bastard up with 550 cord.  I labeled the informer myself. 

Rat-bastard snitch gets his.

Once the tree showed up, it was only natural to hang the damn elf from the damn tree.  Good stuff.

The logical conclusion.